Mohit Jhamnani  
When I was younger, I would honestly believe that nothing would ever have that weight anyone step or be anything like that. But turns out it does. And it doesn't matter if you're still super close to them at that moment as well.

Apurva Bhat  
I recall understanding the concept of death at the age of 10. My mother was reading me a bedtime story while falling asleep herself. And all of a sudden, I thought, what if you aren't here tomorrow? Instantly, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't know what losing someone to death felt like, but understood that it takes the people you love away. Death is probably one of the very few aspects of our lives that's guaranteed. Yet we rarely ever speak of it. Isn't that strange? Isn't it weird that we speak so less of something that impacts us so much. This is grief gross. I'm a porter pot, your host, and today we're going to hear from three people who've lost a loved one. Sonny is a volunteer at a local Toronto hospice. For her privacy, she has chosen to only share her first name. Sonny lost her father to myotonic dystrophy in June 2021, during the COVID 19 pandemic.

Sunni  
So I will say that I'm also doing my master's in social work, which is kind of linked to everything to do with my losses. I mean, I'm going to bring two losses, but I'm really gonna focus on one, because the first loss is like not when I was seven. And that kind of shaped a lot of my life and where I'm at now. And then I was recent loss of my dad, and that was under three years ago, like two and a half years ago. And so that's after I've already been working in the realm of like hospice care. So I was already into it because of my mom's death. So like their deaths have really impacted and shaped

my life. Mortgage on nannies completing a supply chain operations management degree at Centennial College, he lost his grandmother on New Year's Day in 2020.

Mohit Jhamnani  
I came to Canada 2019 September. So it was a pretty big shock to me as I was in Canada only for three months. And then I got this kind of news. So I had to like rush back just within three months because of it. And I missed the funeral as well because I was on a flight because it takes that long to your tender. I just finished work and I got home and my cousin kept ringing me and he never calls me so I was pretty surprised and I was already panicking as to something bad happening. And obviously when I spoke to him, he told me that my grandmother was no more and that my parents couldn't have me because they had already taken the flight and they were in the flight while he called me.

Haley Sengsavanh  
Haley sank Savannah is a journalism student at Toronto Metropolitan University. She lost her grandmother to an eight year long cancer battle a little over a month and a week ago. Lost last summer she came back to Vancouver with my grandfather. And we got to spend a nice summer together. She was unfortunately hospitalised during that time, but she recovered and went back to Hong Kong. And I kind of made the decision that I would pursue an internship in Hong Kong just so I could stay with them and try to take care of my grandmother more spend more time with her. And that was really such a blessing to be able to have those three months with her. Basically, after I completed my internship in late February, I flew back to Toronto, trying to complete my last course my degree. And three days later, I found out that she had passed. And it was really unexpected, because I think when you are kind of faced with a loved one that has a terminal illness, you kind of say goodbye like a lot of times you kind of like prepare yourself. And you know, I had just gone back to Toronto, I told my grandmother that I would come back in June after I graduated and like show, like my degree and everything. You know, that didn't get to help.

Sunni  
I had years where I didn't have a good relationship with him. And then when I became a parent, it's like I got it all. In terms of my dad, because he had a tough time like my mom died. I was young. That means that he had three kids all of a sudden I knew he was not the like there was a little bit of tradition, no rules in my family where my mom was definitely like the superstar like full speed ahead organising everything and my dad kind of went along with it. So when she died tonne of the fire left, it was hard for him and he still did his best. Like the relationship was never as I would imagine it would have been with my mom but it was definitely a relationship and there was still a lot of respect like he was there.

Mohit Jhamnani  
It's the typical grant and stuff like they always protect you, they always do extra, they're always the barrier between, you know if your parents ever harsh on you, if anyone's ever harsh in that way. So I was pretty close to her and I moved to India, like after my seventh grade, I went to a boarding school. And because of that, I get a lot of vacation, and I come to India and live with them. So I just developed a different relationship with them that eventually, she started getting old and cranky and grumpy, and she would not prefer to maybe, you know, have a lot of people around or even and merely get forgetful. So in the end, if that's not too harsh to say, you could easily say that she wasn't the same person I knew. But that's just what is just you, I guess. And it was still tough, because all you remember is the good part.

Haley Sengsavanh  
I think that my relationship with her was always quite close, I was a first granddaughter, but also because I think we had a lot of similar interests. My grandmother was a seamstress. She worked in like clothing factories when she was younger. So in high school, when I had the opportunity to learn how to so I did, that was something that wanted us as well.

Sunni  
So I mean, at first was like, the emotional, and then was like, logistical stuff. And then there's something about, then when it kind of everything kind of settles, then it's a different version of like, it's hard reality, you know, like, it's a hard reality just, it's gone, and I can't sit, there's all these things that I knew were going to be missing. But then they're really missing.

Mohit Jhamnani  
I was planning to go back from anywhere for my December break, because I felt homesick. And I thought it'd be a good break for me as well and actually lied at work, like a lot of people do typically, that, you know, my grandmas aren't doing well. And you know, I need to go and that's the reason I gave to actually quit my job. And a couple of days later this happened. So to me at that moment, I was more hard on myself because I thought I caused it. At that time, I really felt maybe just maybe if I didn't say out loud, or maybe it was manifested that way. But it wasn't done with any intention, though. So. But it just felt at that moment that maybe this was me, or, you know, maybe I could have done something different though. And that helped me even more. And that took me even more longer together. Because of the guilt I had in my head.

Haley Sengsavanh  
I kind of find that my de sac, just thinking about her about the memories, trying to do other things as well. So I don't have to constantly have it on their mind. But it's kind of hard because like every time I go to Hong Kong, I stay with my grandparents that I'm sleeping in now is the machines to sleep. And so I think that's also extra difficult. But something that I do want to do is write about like her kind of trying to remember her in that way. I've always used writing as a fossil to process emotion. I've talked to some people around me that have also lost her grandparents. And for some people it was really hard for them to accept that list and they just kind of ignored it until it kind of what they've told me is that when you ignore it, we live in that denial. It just gets worse and worse because even if that feeling isn't always there with you when it comes back is even stronger than ever because you're resisting

Sunni  
like, I got into master's programme and yeah, I mean, that was kind of a big one. Actually, as soon as he died, I first start going back to New York University to kind of with the intention to get to Lhasa firm. So it's kind of like I started working back, okay, because for a period of time there I was somewhat consumed with COVID. And then with my dad died, like it was like COVID And then my dad die. So it felt like I just last four or five year probably like four years of like any additional brain power or time was just like, gone. Like it's always it feels like it gave me a little bit of a boost. Because it was like, like, now's the time. What else why would I not like I'm just gonna do this. Yeah, there's one more thing like kind of in the same vein at work. I sort of like this another woman who had recently lost her mom. She had the tech kind of framework and I had to like passion idea. We put it together and created like a an educational session that I've sort of started working with at my workplace. That's really it's like community outreach. So we haven't done a lot of press Some patients that we've done like six presentations to people in different communities to sort of talk about palliative care, hospice palliative care, so that when people get to places that I had been to she had been to in Ontario, they're more, they're more versed in how to approach receiving better care. So it sounds like that was birthed from my dad dying.

Mohit Jhamnani  
It hurts even more, knowing that you could have done more, or you could have at least reached out to them more and been an active presence in their life, but plus the guilt and regret to live with them. The only way of progress that weighs in my head, I know that, like I have to express myself no matter what now, you know, like, I'm never gonna lose the opportunity to tell someone that I miss them, or you know, that I love them and that I actually want to talk to them or actually want to be an actual presence in their life, if they ever need me, I feel like I was too arrogant, you could say that I don't need anyone or, you know, I don't, I don't want to express what I feel, or I don't want to express any love for anyone that way, I've just realised that I can lose myself trying to be arrogant or trying to be someone who are not.

Haley Sengsavanh  
I feel like you're never really prepared for just how much emotion you might feel. And also when it'll hit you. Sometimes it's just like the smallest things that bring back a little memory. And then you just like find yourself completely crumbling. There's this corner. In my grandparents bedroom in Hong Kong, it's kind of a ledge, and it looks there's like a big window and you can look out into the harbour. And you can see like across the water on the other side of Hong Kong. And there was this really special moment I have is my grandmother a personal one that I don't even know if I've shared with like my other family members before. But it was in I think, like 2015 or 2016. I had like just gone into high school. And my grandmother was teaching me how to thread a needle, but in a very, like, interesting and like almost like a magic trick kind of way. Like it was not the standard way to do it now. So amazing. I kept asking her to like do it again. And she was sitting on the ledge and I was kind of kneeling on the floor with my head on her lap. And she was just showing that to me. Just a few nights ago, I was sitting on that ledge again, just looking out onto the water. And I just remembered that and I just like started crying. I think that's something that is really surprising about grief. It's like hazard in and how hard can hit I think I have to prepare myself for that to continue. But to know that like it won't be like this forever.

Sunni  
I don't spend a lot of time actually thinking about like, the impacts, like there's a few things still in my worlds that I actually like ever since my dad died, there's still a couple of things that kind of need to get over and through. A lot of people do say that grief kind of layers up. There wasn't a suicide hotline first and I was like I have no more like groups like that that would do something like that. But this feeling of no one's got kind of like free and not the best way. So longer half life foundation. For the last couple years I've had a lot more anger and it's not just my dad but there is something about the like, I want us to be on rootedness that. I have mentioned that I've noticed that yeah, like if I have a different anger in that is I think it is under the umbrella of grief. It's almost angry at my lot in life. My mom, my dad, I have no roots. So angry world but it's not the world and that's what I say it's more spiritual like you know, guys, God is like, instead of somebody will kind of have the faith in a God like trust and like mining habits.

Apurva Bhat  
conversations surrounding death and grief can often feel scary and uncomfortable to have. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have them. Grief gross gives people a platform to share their feelings. Despite how unnerving it may seem to do so. I'd love to have you join me next week and tune in for more. This episode was produced by a programme Thank you for listening

Transcribed by https://otter.ai